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  2010.10.31  23.14

Yesterday was saturday, and we often go to breakfast. So we went. We started calling the kids by what they order: mousetrap (3 cheese omlette) and short stack (pancakes). I had a  pot of tea, decaf, and ordered two poached eggs. I did eat some of the yolks, not much. Came home, and sipped all day on gatorade, ate pudding, more tea, and protein shake with banana blended in.
Took Skye to birthday party, came back, took Bowie to other house. Went to the supermarket, and had a moment where I thought I might have diarrhea there, came home and had a messy bowel movement, then that was all over.

Took a nap and got up at 9 pm . went to the club and Jamies party. Took the bottle of gatorade, sipped on it all night.. was fine and did not have to go the bathroom at all. Got home and fooled around with my baby.

Watched Iron man, went to bed supper late, like 3am. Got up at like 9am, mole wanted to go out again, the chili cheese omlette was calling. We went to Boulevard and I tried the poached eggs again. Ate more of them, made sure they were totally liquid before going down. With a pot of tea, seems to work. Went to visit Thatch in the hospital, stayed a while. Got home at 2pm. Drank a protein shake with banana blended in, Fell asleep until 5pm. Got up and set to go trick or treating. Walked all over San Francisco to do trick or treating, so I think I'm ready to go back to work tomorrow.. Came home, had tea, and not hungry for food really. Took my vicodin and went to bed by 11:30pm.


  2004.06.02  12.41
Thanks, for the trouble you took...

Songs I've written and songs I've known for years have this fantastic alchemic thing they do over time, where the lyrics change meaning over the years....It's so amazing. Anyway, I was thinking of this Leonard Cohen song today, it's one of my very, very favorites...


It's four in the morning, the end of December
I'm writing you now just to see if you're better
New York is cold, but I like where I'm living
There's music on Clinton Street all through the evening.

I hear that you're building your little house deep in the desert
You're living for nothing now, I hope you're keeping some kind of record.

Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear
Did you ever go clear?

The last time we saw you you looked so much older
Your famous blue raincoat was torn at the shoulder
You'd been to the station to meet every train
And you came home without Lili Marlene

And you treated my woman to a flake of your life
And when she came back she was nobody's wife.

Well I see you there with the rose in your teeth
One more thin gypsy thief
Well I see Jane's awake --

She sends her regards.
And what can I tell you my brother, my killer
What can I possibly say?
I guess that I miss you, I guess I forgive you
I'm glad you stood in my way.

If you ever come by here, for Jane or for me
Your enemy is sleeping, and his woman is free.

Thanks, for the trouble you took from her eyes
I thought it was there for good, so I never tried...

Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear

-- Sincerely, L. Cohen

Mood: crappy

  2003.10.03  09.56
My definition of success

Laughing and laughing, it's good to laugh so much.
My face hurts.
I've found the company of new brothers and it's great.
What brothers should be. Like a family.
Everyone with their little quirks.
I'm still thrilled about the work, so that's good.
Being artistically productive.
This is when I don't mind time passing as quickly as it does...
Not one bit. Before, well, that was what made me so angy.
All that time, nothing to show for it. That's death.

Still have that bad taste in my mouth, but much happier that
I've moved to fix what was broken.
Take a turn, set it in motion, let it ride. See where it leads.
I love it.
I have all the pieces in place to influence the things around me,
and I'm loving it. I may be through the storm, and yes,
I have survived, I have truly, truly learned from my mistakes, and
taken those lemons and made some pretty kick ass lemonade.
I wish for it to last this way for a more-than-adequate amount of time!

Mood: ecstatic

  2003.09.24  18.41

Thwarted. Why, why why?
The girls were on their best behavior.

I'm confused on which of my illusions to believe.
My search yeilded two signs to point me towards the path i am already on, so I will stick with it just a while longer. Made some great connections last night when I was out...

To Celebrate, I put in a call to someone I was not supposed to call today about a big project...another path I must follow. I will get in trouble for it by co-worker, but my boss will back me up, so fuck it...gotta start somewhere...and everyone else thinks it's a good idea. If nothing else, it will get me more connections here in town.

I'm a little devil.
I'm quiet, I watch and lurk and learn, and then I strike.
Always been my modus operandi...


  2003.09.23  11.14
The last day

A few more hours and my metamorphisis will be complete.
I will shed this albatross, and slip back into the stream of consciousness, unimpeded.

Everyone around me is falling, being hit, fighting and finding themselves in bad places.

Bad omens need to be fought with powerful magic.

Powerful magic is my specialty.

On a related note, I've put into motion my vision for a powerful new work.
A visceral opera. So excited.
Actualization. At last!


  2003.09.13  22.42

"Now that I have seen your face,
What can I enjoy?"


  2003.09.13  01.15
P.S. the work front...

When it rains it pours, the art is happening, the friends are happening, the work is happening. I had to refuse a photo shoot. I was kinda sad, but I haven't been home one night this past week yet...been out with all these new people, in new places...
No time, but busy. Not creating now, reaping a bit of what I've been sowing. So that's good. All pieces seem to have fallen into place according to plan, some unexpected results, but that's good. Making me feel alive.
A bit of chaos is always what I need to feel at home.
To feel like "a really useful engine".
I wish it could be this way for a while....it may be, fingers crossed.


  2003.09.13  01.02
Seek and ye shall receive

I got invited out by a new acquaintance!
They beat me to it!
Well, I had my eye on them anyway.
I guess you click right away sometimes.
We have alot in common, so that's a big help.

On a separate note, I feel funny.
Funny like maybe go to the doctor funny.
Lord, not that again!

Oh well, as the book says, "I trust that anything that is destined for me, will come to me."
Simply put.
Goes for alot of things, apparently!

Mood: content

  2003.09.09  10.51

See my post from 7/19/03.
I am twelve steps closer.
Or further, depending on how you look at it.
Progress is slow, but results are noticable.
My coat is shiny, and my nose is wet.


  2003.09.07  23.34

I wonder, when a person is really, really sad, if some subconscious neurons don't kick in somewhere and go: "hey, we need some fun out there, RELEASE THE PHEROMONES!!"

I'm crushed.
Dumb, I know, but as long as I'm here, may as well enjoy the scenery, I suppose.
Just like an acid trip (uh, so I've been told...heh heh),
You've just got to wait it out....
The high fades, and everything will be right again...
actually, distance has already cleared my head a bit this weekend..
Whatever. Been here before.
I always keep my end of the bargain,
so I'm not worried.

Mood: confused

  2003.08.31  22.29

The concept of "friends" is weird, I suppose.
I've always thought so.
Like on television, people (friends or neighbors) who just walk into your house and start talking, picking up conversations from the day before....are there really people like that??

It's very strange. I've tried to work on my friendships over the years, and what I find mostly is that people are set in their ways after a certain, rather young age.
If I didn't believe this, then I would start...well continue, really...to get a complex about how I can't make/ keep any friends.

Love is a wonderful thing. To be in love is...except for your friends who you immediately ignore for the woo-ing period. I'm guilty of this, I suppose, though I can't remember any friends I dropped when lover and I were first in love...I seem to recall there was one, but she was a love interest, so down she went like a stone. The other, well, I didn't much care for him anyway, and was looking for a good excuse to end that relationship.. and if there were any others, I don't remember, and I'm the type to call up old friends out of the blue to check up on them over the years, and so I would have noticed, for sure.

I have never needed to look further than getting a new job to make a new gaggle of "acquaintences"...
I never learned back in school that to try and make friends you should invite or get invited to mix outside of school....

...so the social skills remain the same, I rarely hang out with people from work outside of work, probably because I'm so busy with the self involved process of my art....
You know, when you really have a calling, what the hell else could be more important?
Sure you can lose yourself in the trivia sometimes, the cool shoes, the materialism, the television, the getting up and going to day job, over and over, the holiday parties, what the fuck ever.
But in the end we all die, and what is important then?
Perhaps, if you have really changed someone's life in an truly life altering way.
But if you have changed the world,
even a small part of it,
made an impact on completely anonymous people...on some history recorded somewhere...
well, now there is a legacy.
What do your cool toys matter then?

Mood: contemplative

  2003.08.21  11.49
Everything is everywhere

Things are wacky. I keep waiting for them to settle down.
"Soon, I'll have time for this....and this....and this"
I will never have time to do all the things I want to do.
Or, I should say "motivation", really. Too scattered. Too ADD.
I got rid of TV,
that helps.
Moved a computer upstairs, that helps.
Need some equipment of my own, need a few more pieces...lenses, wardrobe, studio..
Started a new work project, so that will be some help to getting the tools I need.
I like to work. I like to keep busy. As busy as I am, I'm not busy enough on my own projects. Balance, elusive, elusive balance.
I am closer to the center, yet just hovering in an unsteady orbit.
Somewhat happier, meaning turning my head and letting things go, being oblivious to their pregnant potential for bringing my ass down.
I'm paying attention to the music around me, there seems to be more of it lately, and I always feel that when that happens, it's trying to tell me something, that I should be able to divine some meaning from it...but it teases me that way, has always promised me some kind of spiritual salvation, and so far, while I have enjoyed the company, and it has soothed me and inspired me and made me laugh and gasp and cry, no final enlightenment has been acheived.
Pity that.

Mood: busy

  2003.08.02  21.31
Rains it pours.

Now people are calling...
I've gotten two calls for jobs and I start a small new gig this coming week.
Met some folks too, that I'm pretty excited to work with...their portfolios are good, and the brainstorming we've done led to some good ideas for me already!
I feel a slight ray of sunshine creeping in my room..
the Dawn is coming...but I mustn't raise hopes yet, I have not presented my proposal.
Never mind, just the fact that I've come up with ideas boosts my confidence.


  2003.07.27  10.18
Nothing new, nothing amuses

No change. No new work. No new source of income yet, very frustr8ing.
Minor progress on art project fronts, still kind of in limbo, still plugging away.
My muse she waits, she's an angel.
New ideas in her hands,
I wish I could reach her from beyond this grave-
She keeps calling me-
keeps calling me-
I'm always tempted to do something drastic at points like this, but patience is my virtue...
(WHAT am I waiting for? Do I know? I think I do.)

No plans for the future
No hope for the past
No emotion,
Am I frozen
when just
I had thawed..
the words can't bring me down
(Sing it Christina!)
Voices echo
on the radio
and I'm driving..
always driving...
you might say
I am driven....

Someone said "Christmas"
and suddenly the year is over...
early in the summertime..

So many things are ending all around me,
so many people sad,
letting go
moving on
"giving up" on their dreams?
Changing their dreams?
Closing the doors on their past
always means stepping into he sun of tomorrow..
some things have begun,
but it will be years
for those seeds to grow
seems so long
seems SO long
a long, long, lonely winter..

things are fun
a weak smile
going through the motions
going through the script
sticking to the plan
falling off the wagon
kissing pretty boys
what does it matter?
Am I not dead in the water?
Am I not dead?
I'm not living..
is not

(This is just LIFE)

Mood: hopeful

  2003.07.20  21.43

The bike thing. Now I know what it is. I am borrowing a car, and the brakes are really weak, so that's where that came from.....
I went out with the gang today to talk talk talk and drive drive drive and get away. I love hanging with my homies. One of them got me to join up (see last post) so we are in it together anyway...
We went way out in the country, and saw these girls, out in the middle of stupid suburbia walking down te street, bless their young souls, one had combat boots, bright yellow tights, minidress, and pair of big fairy wings strapped to her back!! Fun! the other was in wide black raver pants, and a strappy tank, with a bandanna on head, and long hair all the way down her back in two long tails..dark black eye make-up, these two were a trip!
So over the top for teenage girls, I mean not just gothy or raver, but full on Halloween, really, they were so cute. And as they approached four teenage boys hanging on the corner, scoping chicks, my homies and I just stopped to catch the interaction....
Would they speak? The guys looked pretty normal, pretty hot for high school boys, not geeks, anyway, t-shirts and jeans....the girls started crossing in front...they spoke! One of the girls stopped, the other kept walking a bit...
the guys spoke, the girls spoke, all kept their distance................., then the girls resumed walking, and the boys turned around, laughing nervously amongst themselves...Totally befuddled. Excellent. Wish I had my camera so bad, and an auto winder and a good tele lens. Could've had weeks of fun developing those....

Mood: amused

  2003.07.19  21.23
Take it one day at a time...

So I joined AA today.
I'm turning over the business card of a therapist in my hand, mulling over that, as well. Think I may... the price is right. Just gonna wait to hear back about this bid I put out, to see if I have the funds for such things....
I'm calm now, but I may just be in denial....or my unexplainable optimism...or the stupid crushes I get on strangers...
Just had a weird dream before... I dreamt that I was riding a bicycle and the brakes were failing...I was trying to adjust the wires, though this is something I've never done, but I've seen it done...
wonder what it means?


  2003.07.16  13.50
My heart leaps

The phone rings and my heart leaps.
Lots of Good news and lots of Bad news to hear.
Page one: Opportunity, monetary.
Page two: Memorial, rememberance
Page three: Birthday, Party.
Page four: Opportunity, fame.
Page five: Impending doom: nemesis
the phone does not ring, and my heart bleeds:
a. Productivity; artistic
b. soulsaver; monetary
c. future: volatile...transitional phase...

Mood: confused

  2003.07.14  23.21
Shoot me

Did a shoot tonight, it was almost fun, until it was cut short, pretty much. Oh well.
I was glad to be with the crew, it was nice. They are so fun when you get them out of their natural environments and do something creative for an hour, then all the drama kinda gets left at the door. That's the power of everyone working together to make something...I have simmered from my rants, life is ok again, slow and steady wins the race.

Spent all day driving out in the country,the hot, hot, country.
Boss and I went and defaced some places of business! Heh Heh.
Then we had lunch and talked about "the same thing we do every night...trying to take over the world!"

Taking a tip from Boss, I'm letting it all go. I need to let it all go, I'm not the kind to plot and plan and "take my revenge" ( Sure, I think about, but I never do...)or (god forbid, the worst-) get into some dumb "competition" that is all in my head.
Fashion is NOT a competition, no matter what they say, and I won't get gray worrying about any of it. I'm just gonna plow ahead with what I have, what is good, and put it out there, and can't be arsed about it after that, really. It's not worth it, man. At this stage it's not worth it to me to lose my crew because of some dumb misunderstanding. I love 'em like siblings, like lovers, that sort of thing is what's important, not the 'yours' and 'mine' and 'ours'. That's the dumb stuff. So that's me, I guess. I'm the dumb stuff.
Now I'm being smart.
There you go.
I'm letting it go.

Mood: calm

  2003.07.13  10.12
A friend in need...

I rode on into the city and stopped by Slims to see the Placebo show last night. Interesting....very interesting...Saw lots of folks I know, and even haven't seen for a long time, like Tony D, Heckman and jungar...It was hot inside, I wanted to get some shots but couldn't get close enough to the stage. From where I was standing Brian Molko looked like Chris Kattan doing his "AZRAEL ABYSS" imitation...! They are electro boys for sure. The stringed instruments flew on and off, but the soft cell stage wear and makeup gave them away.
The sound was really good. The vocals were so loud! Sounded good, though!
Went down to the DNA before the show to say hi to Dutch, and found C there, we went to Slims together, but got separated, then later found a corner and talked on and on, more and more things I did not know that are going on with her, we promised to get together again monday during the day...

Mood: satisfied

  2003.07.12  11.35
Partial Summary

Okay, so I have been careful for a while not to tell people I have a LJ, but now that I have posted comments to some people, the cat is out of the bag, as it were. That's ok. For those of you checking in,here is exactly what is going on with me:
Home: My house is a mess. Typical bachelor pad, my roommates are slobs, and I'm too busy to clean. I want to hire someone to organize my house, from alphabetizing CD's to putting all the files on my laptop into neat folders. I'm allergic (literally) to "housework" (most cleaning solutions, including too much water on my skin), so that's part of it. I love where I live, but California is so expensive, even here in Oakland, really...I've been thinking about moving someday, and my latest research points towards Nevada City or Los Angeles, if I can't be home in England.
Some of my latest self-projects are:
Making new friends, and working on old relationships as well. This includes business contacts, I'm working on getting more of those, it will only help my art.
Oh, and organization. I need to get a book on time management and self discipline. I've been lax, I feel scattered, and even though I achieve more in a day than most, actually, I could do more. To this end, I have begun to drink more coffee as well, and the few small behaviourist techniques I have pulled from memory and applied on myself seem to be working, so I'm cheerful for the moment. Rome wasn't built in a day, after all...
Work: I love where I work, and I'm not just saying that because my bosses know where my LJ is. I really do love it. I feel very appreciated and useful there, and the actual place/industry is exactly where I want to be. I get exposed to all sorts of things that I like and need to be exposed to as well, so that's a plus! (My only possible complaint is that I can't make as many really useful contacts directly related to my art as I could at say, the company next door, but I do make some!)
I look forward to branching out and doing more and different things in the company I'm at or with the people I work with separately, and I feel that I could grow old working there and doing that. Lately though, I've been looking for supplemental income to fuel my Artwork, which is badly neglected. I want to be known and recognized as "me" the artist, and pretty much nothing else, and if anyone isn't seeing that, then I'm not laying it down for them in that way....it means I'm not walking around during the day like I *am* an artist,a star, a celebrity. It's my own fault. I want to be known for my talent, not talk about it like it's some hobby. I've lost an acquaintance or two recently, and that's always the sort of thing that makes you think "I want to DO this before I die, and that's really THE ONLY thing I want to be remembered for, (that I CAN be remembered for, because I have no other training or career), not my work, or my messy house, or my juggling trick, or even my un-witty live journal. I have a natural talent. I have a good eye. I need to express that. I need to live it, or I'M NOT LIVING."
I have a big plan to work up some really commercial shots and sell them, and (god forbid) actually make money from my art. "I'm not selling out, I'm buying in." Meantime, another part time or full time would really help me keep food on the table...
Psychic Drama at the moment is my stifled art. I have one partner in crime who is so inspirational, the dream is really alive for her. She is my muse these days, I need to hang with her more often. We did get together the other night and listened to music and talked about being artists and our dreams and stuff, that was nice. Kinda makes me frustrated when I wake up the next morning tho, and the house is a mess and I have a ton of errands to run and bills to pay and don't have time to get into my studio....Time's a wasting, I won't be
25 forever. Shit, I won't be 25 even another 8 months! GAK!

Mood: contemplative

  2003.07.09  10.57
Ahhh back to Fluff:

This morning I needed a walk (see previous post) and so I went for a walk and ended up at a small greasy spoon that said "Cafeteria" out front. It was your basic greasy spoon, with a breakfast menu to match, and the rest of the menu was Chinese food. It was around 9 am, and there was a full roasted turkey in the buffet server. Don't Turkeys take hours to cook? Is that YESTERDAYS Turkey???
Anyway, I ordered an "egg and cheese sandwich" which was not on the menu, from the friendly (Chinese) lady behind the counter. I expected a grilled cheese sandwich, dripping in oil, with some sort of egg thrown in. What I got was much more sedate: basically, a BLT, but with no bacon, just a slice of cheese and one egg over easy on lightly toasted white bread. They put the little shredded anemic lettuce in there, and a little tomato, some mayo. Cute!

So I'm reading the newspaper, and some hispanic guys come in and start ordering food. The ladies behind the counter start engaging them with spanish phrases, " How can I help you, Amigo?" the guys don't really speak english...."Arroz..." says the one guy (that means 'Rice' for those of you who don't know...), the lady behind the counter says "Alloz! Alloz!" and serves it up, "Quanto mas?" she asks him, which literally means "How many MORE?", when she meant "How many?" it went on like this, amusing. "Thank you Amigo!" I'm always amused when people who obviously are not fluent in a languange go for it. As long as they can laugh at themselves, I suppose...
So that's today's fluff. And yes, I am Bi-polar. Fantastic mood swings. So sue me.
Actually, I think I feel better because after that post last night, I went straight to my studio and worked up some creative stuff! I feel more optomistic, I suppose, but still sad. So very, very VERY sad. This is how sad: I sat down to cry last night, and I couldn't even do it. Not a tear.
That's pretty fucking sad, if you ask me.

Mood: apathetic

  2003.07.08  21.05
Alone again or...

WOW!!!! The post that lived here for 12 hours, I just deleted and moved over to Dead Journal, coz it was so fuckin' mean and evil and with pure intent to kill or maim, that it could only live there! Whoof!
Now back to our regularly scheduled fluff:
(New Rule: Rants go on dead Journal. Period. Fluff stays here. Thus I validate my split personalities, my secret super hero lives, my schizophrenia. She told me to do that, the other one in my head...)

Mood: enraged

  2003.07.02  10.36
Tired today

I slept well, but I'm tired...A couple nights ago, I had one of those "close your eyes and then open them and it's suddenly morning" nights. That was really weird, you get all disoriented, like "wah?"...
Today is Joey's Birthday!!! Happy Birthday! I have a cake ready, and I'd like to buy presents, but I have about a fiver to my name, and that won't buy much, lucky if it buys wrapping paper (and I can't pay rent yet, so that is late again...)
I'm waiting to hear about new projects, I have so many bids out, my god, contracting sucks, it seems I spend every month, evey year, looking for work, and trying to sell myself, which I hate to do. I always have to lie and tell them all sorts of things they want to hear to get the job. I hate it, hate it, hate it. Competition is espcially fierce this year, like I said, I've thrown out many bids a day, and have heard from maybe ONE. Ouch.
Things are brighter artistically, tho, Sean came down and we hashed some ideas I am excited to work on, tho I don't know when I'll find the time...but I will!

Mood: awake

  2003.07.01  12.55
Back again

Half a year over, and back to where we started. The meeting went swell, I made a commitment to listen, (easy when you are home and fed and slept...) and I got alot out of it, said what I wanted to say, mostly i think we simply agreed to disagree for now, for the sake of the project. Half of us want to throw everything sacred to us into the fray (let it ride, glory or ruin now!) , the other half need to bide time, but are committed, (which surprised me, because I was sure they were fed up, and with good reason, I think...) and while that's probably smart, it's not traditionally the way things succeed in my experience, so I am, as usual, hopeful, but incredibly pessimistic that that will work. I could be wrong. Sure. But I feel like once again, and maybe for the last time, if you are gonna do this, you've really got to grab things by the throat and just bombard with everything you've got. NOW.
This industry is SO fickle... biding time, unless you have a sugar daddy or some other ace in the hole, might make you look half hearted, and thus, doom you to failure.
Besides, it's supposed to be fun, not work. I'm not sure if we covered that, the "is it fun?" part. Definitely work lately, as much as I wish it were fun.
Sean is coming over tonight, we are going to talk about a new project. A fun one.
Speaking of projects, I have a contract on the horizon that I was pretty into, would be a long term commitment, but great environment, and promise of a steady income and all that, and as usual, I told lover and it was pretty much shot down.
Lover never takes any of my work seriously...just scoffs when I talk about it, calls me away from it to attend to our projects first, no equal footing considering it's funding our projects, it's disheartening...Makes it hard for me to get into anything, just knowing that my other half just scoffs at it. Makes me feel like a poseur, when in another lifetime on my own, I would be happily living and working away at it, and loving it....funny that. Ignorance IS bliss.

Mood: blah

  2003.06.30  15.48
Tonight's the night!

Tonight we are having a little get together that will decide the course of history for years to come. Tonight we see if dreams will die, and sad reality will come and wisk us away, or if there is really any happy medium, or if I will fling myself into the yawning chasm of insanity.
Dramatic, isn't it?
I can be dramatic! Oh, that's right. NO I CAN'T.
This is for real, suckas, so you better STEP!


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